Requiem
by pixiekiller
Summary: Bella left Forks after an accident while Edward was on the verge of death. Four years later, after the death of her twin brother James, a broken and lost Bella is back. What is she hiding? Was the accident really an accident? Why did she leave? AH/OOC
1. The Sleepwalker

This story just popped in my mind, and I knew I had to tell it. Hopefully, someone else will like it too.

HUGE thanks to TRDancer and KC03 from Project Team Beta for making this readable.

The song Bella sings is Sleepwalker, by Cat Power. It's a wonderful, heartbreaking tune, there's a link to the song on my profile, please check it out, it's totally worth it.

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**Requiem – Chapter One**

**EPOV**

_The moonlight cast __pale silver shadows over the leaves that swayed lightly with the wind that blew softly around me. I could feel and smell the dew damp grass beneath my bare feet, and hear the waves crashing furiously on the rocks at the bottom of the cliff. I knew this place like the back of my hand. It was the cliff at La Push. The cliff where it all had happened. I heard a shuffling somewhere among the leaves, as if someone were moving slowly through them. Curiously, the sound didn't terrify me as expected, but enticed curiosity and a sense of expectation. I felt a pull towards it, as if I had been expecting whatever it was for a long time. But, for some reason I could not fathom, I remained still. Petrified. Paralyzed. The shuffling continued, and, as I stared at the woods with my heart pounding in my chest, I heard a whispered singing; a low, soft voice I could recognize anywhere. I knew the song; I taught her how to sing it. And there she was. After all those years, there she was._

"_I can hear_

_Voices in the water_

_Coming up like smoke brings the wind…"_

_I saw her pale hands appear first through the lea__ves, followed by moon bathed silvery white feet and. She looked so white, so otherworldly, like a ghost. She emerged from within the woods, so delicate and small and slender, her voice, a soft whisper, still singing the song. She was looking down, pacing slowly, one foot in front of the other, her long dark brown hair creating a curtain that stopped me from seeing her face, her fragile, soft body wrapped in a white, gauzy, long-sleeved dress. _

"_I have to take some time – to relocate that house of mine_

_I think I must lost it in the river  
They see things so different.__.."_

_She looked up and her big chocolate brown eyes locked on mine. _

"_To green eyes they give nothing away…"_

_There was such sadness in her, so much sorrow. I wanted to reach out and pull her to me, protect her from the crushing grief I could see haunting her eyes. The eyes I loved so much. _

"_Do you think now at last?  
You can tell me_

_No you won't - give away…"_

_I tried to move, I tried to speak, but I was still paralyzed, just able to stare at her in astonishment. _Is there nothing I can do for her?_ I thought to myself, angry. She kept staring at me, wide-eyed and looking like a lost angel fallen from the sky. _

_Her gazed dropped from mine__ and focused on the path to the cliff at my right. My breath caught up in my throat- and I saw the longing in her eyes as she stared at the void. _"No, no, no, no, please no, please don't let her do that…"_ I kept saying in my head; I wasn't sure to whom. Her voice raised a few octaves, and she sounded… desperate as she sang the next lines, now moving towards the edge of the cliff._

"_Crush snow on my face  
Feels like burning  
and birds blackface singing in the tree…"_

_She fell on her knees, clutching and gripping the grass in convulsed movements, her body shaking slightly with the strength of her sorrow. I wanted to cry, I wanted to run, I wanted… I just wanted to be able to do something, not just see her suffer as I stare in silence. So useless. Always useless for her. _

"_If I got myself a gun  
Then I could shoot down everyone  
Maybe I've just invented some religion"_

_The lines she sang were almost a strangled scream, her body still crumpled on the grass, and my heart broke, once again, for her. I could feel a single tear sliding down my cheek. She looked up at me, and got up from her place in the grass very slowly. _

"_I saw father dancing with his daughter  
and the music singing softly on the breeze…"_

_She turned her back on me and began walking towards the cliff, her voice once again a cry of insurmountable sadness._

"_I can't see an end - salvation anywhere_

_Think I'll wait here if he comes he comes down the river  
Think I'll wait here if he comes he comes down the river…"_

_And then she turned and locked her gaze on mine again. _Please stop, please don't do this_, I tried to silently convey through my eyes. _Stay, stay with me…_ but she kept walking backwards. _

_Her voice was barely a whisper now, the deep brown eyes looking at me intensely, so broken and lost, and all hope vanished._

"_I've heard all this before  
Already I know…"_

_Her feet reached the edge of the cliff, still gazing at me as she walked backwards. One more step and … It was too horrible… too horrible, but my eyes wouldn't shut. Not her. From all people, not her… Her voice blew through the wind, clear and sad and cutting through me like a razorblade, leaving me open and bleeding._

"_A lost soul - I won't say anymore."_

_She took one more step backwards, into the darkness…_

_And fell._

I jerked awake gasping, sobbing, and screaming all at the same time. It took me a while to realize I was in the safety of my room and not at First Beach. My insides felt frozen, and I kept crying as wave after wave of crushing terror and grief hit me. The wide, deep brown eyes were burned behind my eyelids, and all I could see was the darkness that crept from them. So _lost, so far away_. As I tried to regain control over my breathing, the bedroom door creaked open, a slit of light creeping in.

"_Edward?"_ my sister's voice whispered from the doorway _"Edward, what's wrong?"_ her voice was urgent as she crossed my room quickly and sat on the bed near me. _"I heard you scream."_

I had managed to control my breathing, but the tears kept streaming down my face on their own accord. I never cried. Never. Alice, of all people, would know that.

"_Edward, please, you're scaring me…"_she called me softly, even though I could sense a hint of desperation on her voice. She ran her fingers though my hair in a soothing motion as the sobs kept shaking me.

"_Bella__,"_ I choked out, my voice sounding hoarse and shaken as I said the name I vehemently refused to think, much less say out loud for the past four years.

Alice let out a low gasp. _"You dreamt of her?"_ I nodded, my face buried in her lap as she kept running her hands through my hair. "What happened?" Her voice was so low I could barely hear her.

"_She was falling__,"_ was all I could manage to say. There was no way I could describe it, the pain in her eyes, the sorrow, the desperation in her voice and the moment when she gave up. It was too much; I couldn't find the words to describe it. I didn't want to. I got up from Alice's lap, sitting up on my bed and avoiding her gaze, suddenly embarrassed for my breakdown. It had been four years since she left. I had no idea how she could still entice such a strong reaction from me. _"It's stupid, Al, I'm sorry I woke you up." _I put on my best poker face and looked at her.

Of course, Alice was never the one to fall for my bullshit, and I could see it in her eyes that she didn't believe a word I had said. I was inwardly cursing myself for being so stupid, so… _childish… _waking up crying and screaming because of a nightmare about a girl who had walked out on me when I was on the verge of death.

"_I miss her too, Edward__," _Alice's soft voice brought me out of my reverie.

I scowled at her. _"I don't miss her, Alice."_

To my surprise, she snorted. _"Yeah, and denial is just a river in Egypt."_

Sarcasm. Alice was pulling sarcasm on me. She's been around Jasper too much._ "Whatever, Alice, I'm going back to sleep."_ I turned my back to her and laid my head against the pillows. I was feeling drained and exhausted, like I'd been running a marathon. I was not in the mood for Alice's innuendos. I tried to keep my voice nonchalant as I said, "_Plus, Ali, it's not like she ever tried to contact us since the accident. She and James are in Arizona, not Jupiter."_

Alice sighed behind me, still sitting on my bed. _"You know I think there is more to the accident than we understand."_ She placed a hand on my back, _"Bella was your best friend, Edward. She wouldn't… I mean, there's no way she could just… go away for no reason while you were fucked up as you were. And James…"_

I snickered as I thought of Bella's twin brother. _"James was a fucking weirdo, Alice. And he hated me. And he got hurt too. Bella blamed me. Bella left. Bella hates me. I don't want to discuss it anymore."_ This subject never ceased to cause me pain. I didn't want to deal right now with the hole that would rip through my chest when I thought of her. Or ever, as in matter and fact. _"Ali, I really need to get some sleep, okay? I'm sorry I woke you up. Go to bed."_

She leaned down, kissing my cheek and whispered to my ear, _"You don't fool me one bit, big bro. I know what she still means to you."_ And then she was gone. And the room was dark again.

I tossed and turned, still unable to erase the image of Bella's eyes from my brain. The sound of her sweet voice. I still remembered so clearly, it was fucking pathetic. The Bella in my dreams, she looked older than the last time I saw her. I wondered what she would look like today. I couldn't help but smile as I remembered awkward fourteen-year-old Bella. So pale, skinny, self conscious and shy. She couldn't say two words to anyone without blushing furiously. I loved that. Her eyes smiled all the time. Even when her mouth was in a grimace, if she lost a game, or if she was pouting to make me give her the last of Esme's cupcakes. Her eyes would still be smiling. She would never be like the girl from the dream. So lost and broken. And just miserable. Still, the horrible ominous feeling that settled in the back of my throat ever since I'd woken up just wouldn't go away.

And then the anger crept in. Why the hell was I making assumptions, keeping myself awake at night, because of this girl? She was nothing like I imagined it. I thought I knew her all my life, and then she just proved me wrong. She left me, without as much as a goodbye. How could she not see _it wasn't my fault?_ Why did she hate me so much? Why does this still bother me?

With those questions on my mind, as they had been in so many nights before, I fell to a restless sleep thinking, once again, of Bella Swan.

On the next morning, we found out James was dead.

He had fallen off a cliff.

Six weeks later, Bella was back to Forks.

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Thank you, if you made it so far.

Please let me know if you think I should continue this.


	2. Pitseleh

Disclaimer: It's all SM. I don't own anything

Wow, I'm blown away by how people are reacting to this story. Seeing so many people putting this as a favorite and on alert really inspired me to write chapter 2 as quickly as I could.

Chapter 3 will be the first BPOV of the story, and I believe they will meet again... very soon.

Many, many thanks to Project Team Beta and the lovelies betas TRDancer and susayq for doing such a wonderful job.

The song I chose for this chapter is Pitseleh, by Elliott Smith. Pitseleh means 'little one' in Yidish

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**Requiem – Chapter two**

"_I'll tell you why I don't  
Want to know where you are  
I got a joke I been dying to tell you  
A silent kid is looking down the barrel  
To make the noise that I kept so quiet  
I kept it from you, Pitseleh_

_I'm not what's missing from your life now  
I could never be the puzzle pieces  
They say that God makes problems  
Just to see what you can stand  
Before you do as the devil pleases  
And give up the thing you love_

_But no one deserves it_

_The first time I saw you  
I knew it would never last  
I'm not half what I wish I was  
I'm so angry, I don't think it'll ever pass  
And I was bad news for you, just because  
I never meant to hurt you__"_

**EPOV**

Until four years ago, I was practically incapable of thinking about a memory which didn't involve Bella Swan. She was there in absolutely every moment that meant something to me. I was so attuned to her that, even now, having not seen her in the last four years, if I close my eyes and think about her for a moment, I can still smell her fresh, sweet strawberry and freesia scent in the air. Everything about Bella is painted on my brain, no matter how much I try to deny it.

I can perfectly recall her pale, porcelain skin and the thick mass of deep brown curls that framed her delicate features, as well as every single detail of her: the expressive and mesmerizing almond shaped, chocolate brown eyes; the small freckles that would appear on her nose and shoulder if she took a sunbath. The way her cheeks would turn a light shade of pink if she was embarrassed. How she would tap her feet in annoyance if someone made her wait.

I had memorized the crescent moon shaped scar she has on her right wrist from the day she got bitten by old Quil Ateara's dog as we escaped his yard after stealing some apples from his tree because Alice wanted a picnic. I can almost feel the tips of her soft fingertips caressing my scalp and moving the hair away from my face, in a motion that could soothe me instantly.

I'm able to remember the way her feet were always cold, no matter how many socks Esme knitted for her, and how she would entwine them with mine so I could get them to warm up. I can evoke every tone variation of her low and sweet voice as she leaned on the balcony of my bedroom and hummed 'Moon River', pretending to be Audrey Hepburn in 'Breakfast at Tiffany's'. The sting when she would bite my arm because she was really scared of a horror movie I made her watch with me.

Bella felt like a limb, like a constant, essential part of my body. We wouldn't stay apart for even a day, if we could help it. When her mom moved away to Arizona, Alice and I would tag along with her and James in the rare occasions they were asked to visit. I couldn't imagine what life would be like without her. Until the accident, that stupid accident at the La Push cliff. Until she left me, without as much as a goodbye, or a 'have a nice life' note. Absolutely nothing -just silence. And I woke up, and I felt cold and alone. Like I'd been mutilated.

She was a part of me. Heart, body and soul. And I meant nothing to her.

Now she would be back, and James was dead, and I had all of my feelings engaged in an epic battle inside of my head.

Yes, Bella was back. But it wasn't for me.

And why should it be? Why do I keep obsessing about someone who has clearly proven that I mean nothing? Why do I feel a mix of anger, relief and… _hope _as I think of her back here? I hated myself for it. I hated her for it. I loathed the awful feeling of not being able to comfort her in this moment. Why do I feel like it's my obligation, when it clearly isn't? I must be finally going insane. In the end, it was always about Bella. My thoughts would always verge to something related to her. It was maddening.

My whole life turned into a whirlwind the moment I woke up from that dream. I can hardly believe that, until two weeks ago, I was so sure of where my life was going. Now, I have absolutely no idea of what to expect for the next day. I just have a feeling that, once again, everything is going to change.

_**Two weeks prior**_

I found it really strange that my dad would call for a family meeting so early in the morning. I hadn't slept much last night, thanks to the dream. So, when Carlisle knocked on my door, I was already awake, dressed, and reading a book. His face expression scared me a little. He looked sad and worried. I got up and went hastily downstairs. I couldn't help but wonder if it had anything to do with my dream last night. What if she was…? I shook my head as if trying to cast my thoughts away. I tried to convince myself I was being stupid again. It was just a dream. A creepy and stupid dream, but nothing else.

Alice sat next to me on the living room couch, still wearing her bright pink polka dotted pajamas. I looked into my sister's eyes, and saw the fear that I knew was reflected in my own. She linked her arms with mine and rested her head on my shoulder as we waited for Emmett, our older brother, to arrive. Carlisle and Esme were quietly talking to each other near the piano. He was cupping her cheek in his hands, running his thumbs over her temple, as if consoling her. The confusion and panic inside me grew. I was going to just ask them what the hell was wrong when booming steps announced my brother's arrival.

We all turned to stare at the source of the noise, seeing Emmett at the foot of the stairs scratching his stomach, wearing only his plaid boxers, a look of confusion and amusement on his face. _"Hey, who died?"_

Carlisle choked on his water, coughing so hard, I was afraid he was having a fit. He recomposed himself, clearing his throat, and looked at my brother, who was still grinning like a five year old for pulling a prank on his dad_."Emmett, now it's not the time. Please sit down."_

Emmett sat down at Alice's side, looking at me with his brows lifted, a questioning look on his face. I was too tense to give him any sort of answer, but I saw Alice shrugging at him from the corner of my eye. _"Dad, you're giving us the creeps. Can't you just cut the crap and tell us what happened?"_ I finally said. My mom narrowed her eyes at me disapprovingly because of my somewhat harsh words, but I avoided her gaze. At the moment, I couldn't care less, the tension was killing me.

Carlisle looked at me, took a deep breath, and said, _"Charlie called this morning, kids. There was an accident in Arizona."_

I took in a sharp breath as my stomach churned and my whole body stiffened. This couldn't be happening. I must be dreaming again.

Alice involuntarily dug her nails into my forearm. _"What happened, Dad?"_ Her voice was a squeaked out whisper, as if she was afraid to hear the answer. My heart thumped so furiously that everyone inside the room must have heard it.

"_I don't know the specifics, but Bella, James and a girl were taking a trip through some canyon and got into an argument. James was apparently drunk and climbed to the top of one of the cliffs, and Bella followed him. All I know is that, at some point, he stumbled and fell." _

I know it was awful for me to feel this way, but I felt a relief wave wash through me. _She didn't fall. _I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. My father was watching my face intently.

"_What? He fell __off a cliff again? What the hell?"_ Emmett shouted.

Alice slapped him in the arm _"Shut up, Em!"_ She looked at our dad and said, _"Is he alright, Dad?"_

My father just shook his head and looked at us sadly. _"I'm afraid not. When help arrived, he had already…"_ he sighed _"… passed away."_

The room was suddenly quiet. James Swan was dead. Bella's twin brother, the one she so fiercely protected, was gone. And she saw it happen. She is probably devastated right now.

Like I had known Bella, I'd known James also since forever. But we were never friends, and we would only be in the same room together if Bella made us do it. She was crazy about him. James never really liked me and Alice. Well, he didn't particularly like Alice, but, as far as I was concerned, he loathed me. And I guess it wasn't unrequited.

James had always been a weird character. Ever since we were kids, it had always disgusted me how much he enjoyed causing pain to other people. He was a bully, but not in a common, hair pulling, 'give me your lunch money' kind of way. It was nearly sadistic, considering we are speaking about a child. He loved to play with people's fears and to humiliate them. But he made sure to never do anything in front of his sister, and to always deny the accusations. He was always sweet, caring and polite whenever he was near her, and she believed in him blindly. I learned soon enough that I should just stay quiet about James if I didn't want to fight with Bella.

But when she wasn't around, he was a true devil. James was always pushing my buttons, trying to come up with ways to get me to stay away from her. While Bella would say James was just a little overprotective of her, I felt like there was more. He wanted everyone to stay away from her. He wanted her alone. The guy was sick. And that's why he was so hostile towards Alice and, mainly, me. Because we refused to stay away from her. Because I was near her almost every hour of every day. Because my family loved her. Because _I_ loved her.

But in the end, she chose him. I would have never made her choose, but she chose him still.

I'm not happy about his death. I'm most definitely not. Truth be told, I could never be happy about something that would cause Bella so much pain. But the circumstances surrounding his death were so… strange. How many people fall off a cliff twice in their life?

"_How is she, Dad?"_ I asked, not being able to hold it in me anymore.

Carlisle straightened up, as if I had brought him out of deep thoughts. _"Well, according to Charlie, she's physically fine… I couldn't draw out many details from him, Edward. He's absolutely devastated."_

"_Of course,"_ I said.

"_Billy Black__ and I will be flying with him to Phoenix tonight. We don't think this is a good time to leave him alone,"_ my father said, sympathy and sorrow in his eyes. _"I'll keep all of you updated on how…" he gave me a significant look "…everyone is doing."_

Two days later, my father came back, looking worn out and battered. I went to his office and found him staring at one of the many family photos scattered around his desk. I remembered this picture; it had been taken on a Fourth of July about eight years ago. It was dark, and me, Alice and Bella were staring up at the sky in wonder, the light from the fireworks lighting up our faces. My hands were entwined with Bella's. _"Is she alright, Dad?"_I asked.

He looked up at me, seeming surprised that I was there. He let out a long sigh, placing the picture back on his desk, and stared into my eyes. _"She hasn't spoken since the accident."_

I stiffened. _"Not a single word?"_

"_No,"_ he answered.

I didn't know what else to say. I would have done anything to be able to console her in this moment. But she was the one who wanted to stay away from me. _"I'm sorry to hear that, Dad. I hope she gets better."_ He nodded, but kept staring at me with a strange expression on his face. I knew he would never believe the fake tone of nonchalance in my voice, but I was unable to express any emotion at this moment. Every single thought in my head was in conflict. And yet, the thought of her so miserable and lost that not even words would come out of her mouth broke my heart into more pieces than my heart was made of.

I went to my room quickly, closing the door behind me, sliding down until I hit the floor.

I hated her, I was worried about her, and I wish she were here, where I could hold her and tell her everything will be fine. I wish she had never gone away, I wish she would stay away. I missed her; I wanted her out of my head. I wanted her to be well.

The Bella I saw in my dream, a frail shadow of the girl who had been the sunshine of my life for nearly fourteen years, kept coming to the surface every time I closed my eyes, taunting me.

The days passed by slowly, and I thought of her every second I was awake. I couldn't escape her even when I slept. I dreamt the same dream about her every single night. She would always fall off the cliff at the end, and I would wake up gasping and screaming her name.

I was sitting at the balcony on my bedroom when I heard light footsteps behind me. I turned and Alice was grinning at me, her topaz eyes glinting with excitement, her spiky black hair pointing out in every direction. _"Brooding much, big bro?"_ She pulled herself up and sat on the balcony, facing me.

"_I know I've been an ass these past weeks, Ali__"._ I smiled at her_. "I'm just… I don't know…"_ I shrugged. She continued to smile at me, bouncing her legs and looking like a fairy on crack.

"_Well__, Edward, be prepared, because good news will come soon, and you will have to get out of bitch mode,"_ she said, her grin growing impossibly wider. It was freaking me out a little.

"_What the hell __are you talking about?"_ I was a little annoyed by the way she was behaving. _"I don't speak batshit crazy, Al,"_ I answered.

She snorted _"Oh, yes, you do, Mr. Brooding Man."_ She got down, kissed me on the cheek, and left. As she was reaching the door, I heard her voice again. _"She's coming back, Edward. I just know it. I'll be at Jasper's if you need me."_ I looked around for her, but she was already gone. Alice always did that. She would just appear out of nowhere, blurt out some sort of premonition and saunter off like nothing happened. It was crazy. But what really freaked me out is that nine out of ten times, she was right. And according to her latest 'premonition', Bella was coming back. As some part of me was wishing my sister was wrong, another equal part of me was wishing she was right. I was truly, utterly and completely fucked up.

The next day, I came back from school to find my dad putting a bag inside of his car, while my mom watched with a look of anxiety and slight panic in her face. I parked the Volvo as quickly as I could, and ran towards them, something in my stomach flipping, but I stopped in my tracks as I took in my father's expression. He was livid. The good, patient and benevolent Dr. Carlisle Cullen was beyond pissed off about something. I never thought I would see the day my father lost his temper.

"_What's wrong?"_ I asked, looking at both of them in puzzlement.

Carlisle faced me, his face softening a little. _"Charlie and I are going back to Arizona, Edward."_

"_Why?"_

"_Apparently, Bella had a breakdown a few weeks ago, and Renee thought that the best answer was to put her in an institution."_ He tried to look calm, but his hands were balled in fists, his nostrils flaring in rage. _"We are going to Arizona to get her out of there."_

I understood my father's feelings completely, as I was probably mimicking his expression at the moment. _"What?! She put her in a mental institution? God!"_ I threw my hands in the air, irrational wrath filling me as I thought of Bella alone, locked inside a padded cell. _"What the hell was Renee thinking?"_ We all knew Renee wasn't quite the _motherly _type, but to do this? To lose a child and then lock up the other? It was too much, even for her.

I knew Bella didn't want anything to do with me, but I couldn't just leave her there. It was too horrible, too lonely. _"Dad, I'm coming with you. Just give me 20 minutes to pack,"_ I said, turning to get in the house, when my father stopped me, putting a restraining hand on my shoulder.

"_Wait, Edward, we… we don't know in what kind of mental state Bella is right now."_ I cringed as the reality of what might have happened to her hit me. Bella was in a _mental hospital_. _"I really don't think it's a good idea for you to come with us, son."_ He patted me on the shoulder, and I nodded in agreement. I didn't know what came over me. Of course this wasn't a good idea. Bella hated me. And I didn't want to have anything to do with her, as well. _Right, Edward, keep on telling yourself that, _an inner voice annoyingly similar to Alice's echoed in my mind.

I needed to be strong. I was sorry for Bella and what she was going through. But she was not the girl I always thought she was. She was an _illusion. _The girl I knew and loved, ever since I was a child, didn't exist. She left me when I was in desperate need of her support, when I believed all my dreams were out of my reach forever. And she never looked back. I needed to be strong and return her the favor.

Maybe, someday, I will truly be indifferent to the existence of Bella Swan.

Right now, all I can do is try.

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Can I be really, really annoying and beg for some reviews? I would love to know what people are thinking of the story, so far.


	3. Numb

Disclaimer: I don't own them. SM does.

Hi, I'm really sorry it took me so long to post this. I had a really hard time writing this chapter, so I would really appreciate if you guys could review and let me know what you think of it.

As usual, a huge thanks to my lovely betas TRDancer and Susayq for making this readable and and avoiding embarassing disasters such as the use of the word rack instead of wreck. (LOL)

This is the first BPOV of this story. I'll stick with EPOV, but I'll use her POV every now and then.

In this chapter, a few misteries are sorted, there is a glimpse of Bella and Edward's relationship, and they meet again.

Happy Holiday to you all!

* * *

**Requiem – Chapter ****three**

_Unable so lost  
I can't find my way  
Been searching, but I have never seen  
A turning, a turning from deceit _

_Cos the child roses like  
Try to reveal what I could feel_

_I can't understand myself anymore  
But I m still feeling lonely  
Feeling so unholy_

_Cos the child roses like  
Try to reveal what I could feel  
But this loneliness  
It just won't leave me alone_

_I'm fooling somebody  
A faithless path to roam  
Deceiving to breath this secretly  
This silence, a silence I can't bear_

_Cos the child roses like  
Try to reveal what I could feel  
And this loneliness  
It just won't leave me alone  
And this loneliness,  
It just won't leave me alone, ohh no_

_A lady of war_

_A lady of war_

_Numb - Portishead_

**BPOV**

I couldn't really remember the past four weeks of my life. Every single time I made an effort to think of any details, every memory I was able to draw out of my mind seemed like it was viewed through a very thick fog. It was so exhausting, and when I could finally manage to grasp something, begin to understand what it meant, the pain was so overwhelming that it was easier to just slip back into the numbness.

I knew my brother was dead. And, somehow, it happened because of me. No, I was not the one who pushed him over the edge, he fell on his own. But it felt like I did.

I also knew that I was not at my house, with my mother. I could vaguely recall flashes of a shelf filled with books crashing on the floor, a full length mirror shattering beneath my wrists and bloody sheets being shred. I have the bandages wrapped around my hand that proved something happened. I know I was the one who did that, even though it felt like I was out of my body at that moment. I have a vague sense that, at some point, I was carried away by an ambulance, at first to a hospital, and then to this place. I don't know how long I've been here. Time ceased to make sense to me while I was stuck in this white padded cell without windows, slipping in and out of conscience, my only contact with the world outside being the nurse that came into my room and made sure I took my meds twice a day and the psychiatrist that would sit in my room while I said nothing and stared at the painfully white walls.

For a very long time, I couldn't feel a thing. Just the numbness pressing down on me, pinning me to the floor, stripping away any trace of the humanity I used to think I had. But now I had constant dreams. Constant dreams about _him. _His green eyes that would look at me, filled with deception, and I would reach out for him, trying to make him understand why I did all I did, but no matter how much I ran, he was always far away. And I couldn't call out for him, I couldn't make a sound. Every night was the same, I would wake up and curl up in a ball, begging for the morning, when the nurse would bring me my meds, before I could start feeling again. It was too much. I wanted it to be over. I begged for it. I begged for the end of the agony.

I believe Renee visited me at some point. She tried to make me speak to her, but I just couldn't. It felt like anything I tried to say would turn into a blood curling scream that was permanently latched at the back of my throat.

My last clear memory was that I was there when James died. I could remember the arguing, the necklace in his hand, my screams as I insulted him. The surprise in his eyes as he drunkenly stumbled backwards to find only air beneath his feet. The cry that left my throat as I saw him disappear into the depths of the abyss, the last sound I made before the silence. The piercing silence echoing through the desert landscape, followed by the thud of his body crashing against the rocks as it hit the earth. The piercing cries of the girl, Victoria, that was with him, as she called 911.

The nurse entered my room. I felt something akin to relief as I thought about the fact that the numbness was just two pills away. But she wasn't alone. There were two sets of steps walking along with her. I sat up and glanced at the door as she walked in, trying to get a look at who was out there with her. She kneeled in front of me, a look of pure pity in her eyes. "How are you feeling today, Isabella, dear?" She knew I never answered her, but she would always ask. She smiled at me. "Your father is here, he wants to see you. He's with a friend of his. I'm going let them in, okay?" she said in a very soft voice. A flood of relief I never thought I would feel again washed through me as I realized Charlie, my dad, was just a few steps away from me. Nurse Cope must have recognized the glint in my eyes, as she grinned at me and went hastily to the door. "Mr. Swan, Dr. Cullen, you can both go in."

My insides froze as I heard her call the name Cullen. Carlisle was here? I couldn't bear to wish… could it be… was he alone, or maybe… No, I thought to myself. Of course Edward wouldn't be here. I was the one who left; I was the one who abandoned him. Not only him, but his family, who loved me like one of their own, and my own father, who was now here to see me. I wasn't worthy of any of them.

They both came in, and my heart broke for my Dad, my attention focused entirely on him. He looked twenty years older than he had the last time I saw him. I looked at Carlisle, his piercing green eyes punching a hole though my chest… _so much like his son's… _and he looked devastated too. It was horrible to know you are causing so much pain to people that are so important to you. That you love so much.

My dad kneeled in front of me, his eyes reflecting a never ending sadness. I couldn't remember anything about James's funeral, I didn't even know if he was there_. _"My little girl… oh, my sweet little Bella, what have they done to you?" his voice broke, and before I could see the tears in his eyes, I launched my arms around his neck and started to sob. It was the first time I cried since James died. Pressed against my father's chest, I felt safe and protected and loved as I had never felt since I left Forks and turned my back on the people I loved the most. Nobody could stop me from being home anymore. Even if I could never have the people I love back, I wanted to go home. I wanted this never ending grief to go away.

I looked up at him, speaking for the first time since I saw the brother that had hurt me so much, but that I loved more than myself fall over the edge of that cliff. My voice sounded unused and scratchy.

"I want to go home, Daddy. Please take me home. Take me back to Forks," I said between sobs, mine and his, and my eyes locked with Carlisle. He smiled, his eyes teary, but still… _hopeful. _Hope. That was something I didn't allow myself to feel ever since the accident at La Push.

Two weeks later, I was all set to go back to Forks. Charlie made all the preparations while Dr. Cullen arranged for my dismissal from the institution and found me a psychiatrist that I would have to see once I was in Forks. They went back to Forks, but both came to pick me up when I was allowed to go. At first, I didn't thought they were going to let me go, but I believe Carlisle pulled some strings. The fact that I was talking again must have also counted on my behalf. Renee and Phil, her new husband, came to see me once I was off the meds and in a regular room. She cried on my shoulder, laying all of her burdens on me, as she always did. Renee could not think or feel for about anyone but herself. Luckily, Charlie was there and he pulled her away when things were starting to get difficult for me.

I didn't deserve my dad. I didn't deserve Carlisle or anyone in the Cullen family, as in matter of fact. I sure as hell did not deserve what they were doing for me. I loathed myself for trying to find some relief by going back to Forks. I was a coward and a monster. I should stay away from them. Everyone I loved got caught in the middle. Edward, James… even Alice. Thinking of their names made me want to disappear into a ditch.

I was at the airport, sitting on a chair reading '_Wuthering Heights' _for the hundredth time as we waited for the plane that would be taking us to Seattle, when Carlisle stopped right in front of me, his face stretched in a small smile, concern playing in his eyes as he said "Alice is on the line… she wants to speak to you."

My breath caught in my throat, and I felt my insides twist. It'd been four years since I last spoke to Alice.

**Four years earlier**

"_What the fuck do you think you're doing, Bella?"__ Alice's voice shrieked as I hastily tossed the contents of my closet inside a bag. _

"_Leave me alone, Alice, I am so OUT of this place!" __I hid the tears that were pooling in my eyes, burying my face inside the closet._

_She grabbed my arm and twisted me around "Bella, you can't be serious! You can't just leave Edward while he's… like THAT!"_ _Her face was red and she was crying, her voice desperate_ _"Please Bella… for me, for him…they don't even know if he's going to make it… you can't just do this… this is not you…"_

_And I knew what I had to do. Alice was a loyal friend. She would never let me go unless I hurt her deeply. I mustered up all the courage I had and snickered "What can I do for Edward? I'm sorry he's hurt, Alice, but I'm not a surgeon."_ _She frowned, letting go of my arm as if it was burning her._

"_Bella, you can't be serious. I can't understand why you're leaving, and I know there is something you're hiding from me. But don't do this… Edwards will be… he'll be broken…"__ Her voice was in a low, pleading tone, like she was trying to convince me to stay. If only she knew… _

_I fought to keep my face blank and my voice devoid of emotions, even though I winced when she said Edward's name. He would never forgive me for this. He would hate me forever. "I'm sorry it had to be right now, Alice. But James and I need to stay the hell away from this town." I took a final breath, and met her gaze. "I'm sure Edward will understand that some decisions can't wait."_

_Alice's stare was unfathomable, and her last words to me were__. "I'm letting you go, Bella Swan. But I don't believe a word you said to me. And I'll welcome you when you come back, no matter what."_

"Bella?" Carlisle was looking at me, concerned "You don't have to speak to her, dear, it's alright…"

"No!" I said. "I'll talk to her." He handed me the phone, and invited Charlie to get some coffee, perhaps offering me some privacy. My heart was pounding in my chest as I put the phone to my ear. For a few seconds_, _all I could do was breathe into the receiver.

Then I heard her high pitched voice. "Bella?" She didn't sounded angry or anything.

"Hi, Alice," was all I could manage to answer.

"I'm really, really happy you're coming back, Bella." Her pixie voice made me relax immediately, and I smiled weakly for the first time since… forever.

"I'm glad I'm coming back too, Alice." It was awkward. I spent the last four years longing for my conversations with Alice, missing her bossy and overly excited ways, and now, I was finally speaking to her, and I didn't know what to say.

"I knew you would, Bells. I always knew you would find your way back home. Now everything will be alright," she said in a confident tone, and I broke at her words, sobbing uncontrollably on the phone, unable to say anything and to feel nothing but gratitude.

I recalled her words. "I'll welcome you when you come back, no matter what."I wasn't worthy of her blind faith. I never was. But I didn't have the strength to send her away. I was selfish; I wanted her back in my life too much. All of them, I thought fleetingly, even though I knew Edward was lost to me forever. The speakers announced my flight at that moment. "Alice, I have to go. I… just… thank you."

Her voice was warm when she answered, "Goodbye, Bella. I'll see you soon."

My nerves were a wreck as I hung up, but there was a tiny bubble of something welling up inside of me. Maybe I didn't need to be alone anymore. I felt a pang of guilt as I thought of my brother. He never left me alone for a second, but it was different. After what happened at La Push, our relationship was never the same. All the time in Phoenix, I never felt more alone. It didn't felt like James was _with _me. It felt like he was watching me. I craved for Alice and Edward. I longed to hear their voices, their careless laughter. But I had no right to want any of this, no right to feel relief whatsoever. I did not deserve it. Everyone I ever loved got caught in the middle. I was a liar, I was a trainwreck. I could have saved my brother, but I didn't. And now he's dead. Angry tears filled my eyes as I kept repeating to myself the words he told before taking the last step towards nothing.

"_You're just an accident waiting to happen, my dear Bella."_

James is dead, and it's my fault. I need to remember this, remember why I'm not worthy of any of them. I just hoped I had the strength to stay away. Charlie's voice brought me out of my reverie as he said we should go. I mustered up the best smile I could gather and followed him and Carlisle, who was looking at me intently; I believe trying to draw out any information about my conversation with Alice. Carlisle was such a gentleman, he would never ask for any details.

We boarded the plane, and I slept through most of the flight, feeling emotionally exhausted after my brief conversation with Alice. My psychiatrist had prescribed anti anxiety pills, and I took one of them as soon as we entered the plane and was out as soon as we took off. My father shook me awake as we were landing at Sea- Tac. I was feeling drowsy and sleepy as I dragged my feet while Charlie guided me to what I believe was the parking lot of the airport. The way I felt reminded me of the first days I spent at the institution, when everything was blurry and scrambled inside of my head, and I felt as if my arms and legs weighed five hundred pounds. I slid into the backseat of a black car, fighting to keep my eyes open, but, as soon as we reached the highway, I felt myself slipping into the darkness once again.

My eyes fluttered open carefully; I was used to opening them slowly to avoid the sharp pain the painful white of the padded room inflicted every single time I woke at the institution. It took me a few seconds to realize I was somewhere else. I blinked in confusion, slowly taking in my surroundings and remembering leaving the institution, the plane ride, talking to Alice…

Someone must have taken me upstairs to my room. _My room_. It looked exactly as it had when I was fourteen. Except for the photos. I used to have photos scattered around every surface of the room, glued to the walls, to the edges of the mirror, at the nightstand. Pictures of Edward, Alice, Emmett, me, James, Charlie, Carlisle and Esme. Actually, I wasn't present in most of the images, as I was usually the one behind the camera. Charlie must have removed them before picking me up.

Photography used to be my passion, the one thing I truly felt like I was really great at doing. I walked towards my empty dresser, reaching up to the shelf on the wall, picking up my old and dusty camera, which Edward gave to me when I turned twelve. I didn't take the camera with me when I went away. I hadn't taken a single shot in four years. The last ones were probably on the film still inside the camera, taken in the same afternoon the accident at La Push happened.

_**Four years earlier**_

"_Damn, Bella, will you stop it?!"__ Edward said, putting his hand in front of his face, trying to look annoyed, but failing miserably as a huge grin took over his face. "I know I'm a pretty piece of flesh and all…" He winked at me and flashed my favorite crooked smile as I took another shot of him," but, you know, just because you're a childhood friend you're not allowed to use my good looks for your own profit."_ _He smirked devilishly again, falling on his back in the grass, crossing his arms behind his head. Just by looking at him the butterflies in my stomach fluttered. _

_I tried to ignore the blush that was creeping through my cheeks and rolled my eyes at him. "Don't flatter yourself, Cullen; the light today is perfect for portraits." I turned my back to him and started taking pictures of a bird nest at the top of one of the trees. "Plus, Alice has a huge zit and won't let me take any pictures of her today, and you know how much James hates pictures." He snorted as I mentioned my brother, and I scowled at him, turning my back again and snapping shots of the place .Edward had been strongly opposed to me calling James to join us today at the cliff, saying that James was always in a bad mood and he would ruin the afternoon. God, they were so immature with all the bickering. My life would be so much easier if they just got over each other . James had been in a sour mood the whole week, so I brought him hoping that this place, a little meadow near one of the cliffs surrounding First Beach, would lighten him up, as it so often did to me. This place was kind of sacred for me and Edward; we came here often to hang out ever since we were children. Emmett and Alice would often accompany us, but James never did. I was so happy to finally be able to share my special place with him._

_Things were a little awkward between me and my brother lately. We'd been fighting a lot about everything. James could be a little overbearing at times, and lately I was feeling suffocated, like he wanted to control every part of my life. Plus, we fought about Edward on a daily basis. He would say that Edward was just using me, that I should not trust him or the Cullens, and that I shouldn't trust anybody but my own family. And I would answer him that, to me, the Cullens were family, and that Edward never did anything to make me doubt of his friendship._

_Their relationship was never good, I had no idea where this feud started, but as we grew older, and Edward and I grew closer, his relationship with my brother had decayed. I'd hoped that eventually they would get over their dislike for each other, but time had only proven me wrong. _

_I still hoped that one day they would be at least civil with each other__. Edward's voice brought me back from my reflection. "Bells, where are they anyway? Alice and James should be back by now."_

"_I don't know, Edward, it rained last night so it shouldn't be that easy to find dry gravels to start the bonfire."__ I shrugged and twisted my neck to look at him. He was still laying on the grass, propped on his elbows, the sunlight making the strands of his hair shine in different shades of gold, brown and copper. His bright green eyes were glinting, and he was smiling crookedly at me. Suddenly, he was on his feet, walking towards me, his grin growing wider as he came closer with every step. For some reason, the look in his eyes made my heart race._

"_I have a gift for you,"__ he said, stopping right in front of me, still smiling like the Cheshire Cat, his eyes boring into mine. _

_I blushed for no apparent reason other than his proximity and drew in a breath_. _"Edward, you know how I feel about…"_

_He cut me off, rolling his eyes. "Bella, I know all about your issues with gifts. But this is a hand me down, so you shouldn't worry."_ _He broke our stare, searching for something inside his pocket, until I saw him pull out a silver string in what appeared to be a necklace. He looked at me again, the playfulness in his stance just a few moments ago replaced by a certain sense of solemnity and expectation. The look in his eyes had my heart pounding inside my chest at an impossibly quick pace. Without removing his glance from mine, his hand found mine, and he placed the silver necklace inside my palm. I looked at it and gasped._

_It was a long, delicate silver string with a delicate ring attached to it. I saw some kind of inscription on the inside of the ring, and I leaned closer so I could read it. _

_The breath caught in my lungs as I read the inscription._

'_For the one I love.' _

"_It used to be Esme's, she gave it to me. It was the first present Carlisle gave to her,"__ he said softly, although I could sense a slight trembling in his voice. I looked up at him and he was staring at me expectantly, fear dancing in his eyes. I was still dumbstruck at what I just read; it was a lot to take in. His face slowly fell, and his hands raked through his hair, in a gesture I knew he only did when he was nervous_. "Look, Bella…"

"_I love it__," I whispered softly, feeling as the blush took over my cheeks once again. "I really do, Edward. It's the best present ever."_

_He sighed in relief and his eyes lit up as what can only be called a shit eating grin took over his face. I couldn't help but smile back, most likely mimicking his expression. "Can I put it on you?" he asked and I nodded in agreement._

_He moved until he was standing behind me and moved my hair from my back with his fingertips. He closed the necklace around my neck and spun me around so I was facing him again. He smiled. "It looks beautiful." I couldn't tear my eyes away from him even if I wanted to._

"_I'll never take it off__," I said as I smiled at him, still locked in his gaze. His eyes started to wonder from my eyes to my lips, and my breath quickened. Was Edward going to kiss me? I got the answer as he leaned down and softly brushed his lips on mine. The kiss lasted only a second, before he pulled back and looked at my face. He cupped my cheek and I tilted my head towards him, and he kissed me again, this time for a bit longer. There was no way to describe the feeling; the warmth and softness and pure perfection of having his lips on mine for the first time. The kiss was slow and sweet, my right hand entwined with his as he cupped my cheek with the other one. The perfect first kiss with my perfect best friend._

_Until all hell broke loose._

"_What the fuck are you doing with my sister?!"__ James snarled in a threatening tone, a pile of gravels at his feet, quickly turning the best moment of my life so far in a nightmare._

I forced myself to stop remembering. The way my day turned from perfection to terror, the way that day changed our lives forever. It was so painful, but still, the memory of that sweet moment alone with Edward, and the promises that kiss held. It was bittersweet, clutching at the perfection of the moment and knowing, at the same time, that things would never be like that again. Edward will never look at me like that again. And that hurt more than anything in the world.

I grabbed a pair of jeans and a t-shirt from my bag, and made my way towards the bathroom. However, I stopped in front of the door of the room next to mine, James' room. My hands clutched at the doorknob, but I couldn't muster the strength to open it and step in.

My feelings towards my brother were so messed up at the moment. We didn't look like actual twins. He was blond and had blue eyes just like Renee, and I had inherited the brown eyes and the brown hair combo from Charlie. I recalled him sitting on his bed, strumming his guitar and laughing carelessly as I listened to him play, lying in my stomach on the floor.

I missed my brother terribly. What was even worse is that I missed him when we were younger, the way we used to complete each other sentences and know what the other was feeling. Lately, I didn't even recognize him anymore. He was like a stranger to me, and now he's gone. Tears pooled in my eyes, and I locked myself in the bathroom, turning on the shower and stepping in, only then allowing the sobs to take over my body as I slid to the tile floor.

After I was done, I opened the door to my room, only to scream in surprise as I saw the girl sitting on my bed, her little feet dangling at the edge as she grinned at me. She looked older than I remembered, of course, but I could recognize the jet black hair, even if it was short and spiky now, the small pixie features and those expressive grey eyes anywhere.

Alice was in my room.

She jumped from my bed and stood up in a graceful motion I could never mimic and, before I could even realize what was happening, she launched herself at me, wrapping her arms tightly around my neck. "Bella!" Her bell chime voice sang. "You're really here!"

I stood there, hand at my sides as I blinked in confusion. What the hell Alice was doing here, in my room? She released me, a wide smile plastered on her face. "What? I know you weren't expecting me, but, oh Bella, you look so skinny and, my god, there's so much to tell you…" she went on a nonstop rambling, speaking so fast I couldn't understand what she was saying.

"Alice, please, slow down!" I pleaded. She stopped and looked at me, really looking at me for the first time, and deep down under the lively exterior, I could see a hint of sadness in her eyes as she took in my appearance.

"I missed you." She grabbed both my hands in hers and led me to sit by her side at the bed. "How are you feeling, Bella?"

I couldn't deal with this, not with her soft voice, and the sadness in her eyes. The sadness I knew she felt by looking in my eyes and not recognizing the girl I used to be. I broke away from her gaze and looked out the windows. "I'm fine."

I saw from the corner of my eye as she frowned at me and I knew she didn't believe me. I had always been a terrible liar, and Alice had this uncanny ability of just _knowing _things. But she didn't push me.

"Do you want me to go?" she whispered softly, and my eyes snapped back to hers.

"No!" I shouted, before I could really wrap my head around it, unconsciously gripping her hands harder. She smiled at me again, going back to being her bubbly self, and started telling me all about the makeup classes she was taking in Port Angeles on the weekends; the dress she made for the school dance and that had been a huge success; her boyfriend of two years, Jasper Hale, who had moved here from Texas, and whose sister, Rosalie, had been dating Emmett for a few months now.

She didn't mention Edward's name once, and for that I felt grateful, even though my tongue was scratching with the urge of asking her about him, to know anything about him, anything that could make him more real in my mind. I knew I shouldn't think about Edward. Even if by some miracle Alice was back in my life, I knew better than to expect the same from Edward. I knew him well enough to know he would never forgive me from leaving the way I did, while he was in a coma. Of course, I couldn't say I blamed him.

"When do you plan on going back to school?"she asked me, straightening up and looking at me, her face turning suddenly serious.

"Charlie wants me to go back tomorrow,_"_ I replied, my stomach clenching by thinking what it would be like to return to Forks High. I left without warning anybody, and at first, people tried to contact me and James to find out what happened, but we never answered any of them. Eventually, they stopped calling and sending emails, but not before I received some nasty messages from people condemning me for taking off while Edward was still in the hospital. I knew better than to wait for a welcoming comeback. Alice's face was just confirming what I already knew.

"Well, I think you should know… there's been a lot of talking," she said, an apologetic look on her face_. _"I mean, about you… and James… my brother… and what happened four years ago."

"Yeah, I figured as much… but thanks for the heads up, anyway."I gave her a small smile, and she started talking about light things again. Eventually, she said she had to leave, because she was supposed to drop by the hospital and hand Carlisle some papers he had forgotten. I asked her if I could tag along, as I hadn't had the chance to thank Carlisle properly for all of his help while I was still in Arizona.

I also knew that if I stayed at the house for a bit longer I would probably just cave in and go into James' room, and I couldn't really deal with what kind of emotions that would bring, so, getting out of the house was probably the best thing to do.

I called Charlie to let him know where I was going, and hopped inside Alice's yellow Porsche (sweet sixteen birthday present from Esme and Carlisle) and headed towards Forks General.

Alice and I talked during the whole ride. It felt so natural to talk with her, it was almost as if I had never left in the first place, and we were still best friends who knew all of each other secrets. We arrived at the hospital and went straight to Carlisle's office, without stopping to identify ourselves, as they already knew Alice.

We were walking down the corridor that lead to Carlisle's office when I noticed the mass of unmistakable copper hair that was sited at one of the chairs outside his office, flipping through a magazine in dark jeans and a grey hoodie. Time stopped as I noticed the profile of the face I was so terrified, and yet, so eager to see.

Alice frowned at me when she noticed I had stopped walking, and then saw what I think must have been a look of sheer panic in my face, turning backwards to look for the source of it, gasping loudly when she took in the sight of her brother. Before I could I could turn and run unabashedly, I watched in slow motion as Edward looked up from his magazine towards the source of the noise, his face changing drastically from confusion to utter shock as he looked from her to me.

Our eyes met, dull brown and electric green, and for a second, only a second, the emotion I thought I caught a glimpse of made me hope that, maybe, just maybe, he didn't hate me so much after all. Then his face went blank, a look of complete indifference, and he looked away from me, towards his sister who was eyeing the both of us as if she was expecting that we engage in a deadly sword fight at any moment.

"What are you doing here?" Edward rasped in a menacing tone, and even though his question was directed towards Alice, I knew she wasn't the one he was speaking to.

"I'm here to deliver something for Dad, Edward."Shesounded annoyed, but I could also tellshe was being careful. He kept staring at her, nostrils flaring in anger as my insides turned to ice; I could not help but to notice how much he changed in four years, trying to reconcile the boy who was my first kiss with the young man who now stood before me. Edward was really tall now, with broad shoulders and narrow hips, and an exquisite and masculine combo of square jaw, high cheekbones and a straight nose. Yet, his copper hair still stood in complete disarray and his eyes, even dark with his rage, were still the brightest green I had ever seen. He still had that little bump on his nose from the time he tried to teach me how to play rugby and I accidentally broke his nose. _Still, so beautiful_. _Always, so beautiful. _

He continued to avoid my gaze deliberately. I heard Alice release a sigh before I heard her voice again. Only seconds had passed since she first spoke, but it seemed like years. "Bella came with me because…" He never let her finish as he stormed off. The world started to spin and next thing I knew, I was on the floor, gasping for air with Alice by my side asking me to calm down and breathe. I would pull in the air in quick gasps, but it refused to fill my lungs. It was a horrible sensation, my hands were tingling, and cold sweat broke on my forehead. Carlisle must have listened to the commotion, as he picked me up and carried me into his office, Alice mumbling about our meeting with Edward in the hallway.

"Bella, dear? Are you listening to me?" he said, placing both of his hands on my shoulder. I nooded, still gasping. "Sweetie, you're hyperventilating, you're breathing too fast. I need you to do something for me, okay?" Carlisle said to me, and I nodded again.

"Bella, you're going to need to calm down. Inhale and count to seven." I pulled in the air and hold my breath as he counted. "Now exhale and count to eleven."

We kept doing this until my breathing turned to normal. I was feeling lightheaded and a strong migraine was threatening to settle in, but I was feeling normal again, albeit a bit embarrassed from reacting so strongly to seeing Edward again in front of Alice and Carlisle. I should have expected his reaction. In reality, I was lucky he just ignored my existence, instead of yelling at me. But it still stung so deeply. I missed him so much, and looking at him only increased the feeling of loss deep inside me.

I listened as Carlisle flooded me with questions about my first appointment with the psychiatrist, and if I had panic episodes such as this lately. I answered his questions, but I felt so far away, so detached. Alice drove me home, and the ride was really quiet, both of us having no idea of what to say. When I arrived home, Charlie was already expecting me; Carlisle must have called him as soon as I left. My father said nothing, only that I didn't have to go to school tomorrow, and for that I was deeply grateful. I changed into sweats and a t-shirt, took one of my sleeping pills and slipped into a deep slumber, the sight of a familiar face with a pair of green eyes coming to the surface every time I would close my eyes.

_Will this ever get easier?_

_I don't think so._


End file.
